Untamed Pages 188-225

Okay, so each week I know I’ve said these questions have rocked me to answer, but the question about Islands will be my most difficult reflective question to answer throughout this book. I have never had an island until this last year, and to this day I still know I let my draw bridge down a little too easily, this is my most challenging work to this day. It has taken me many years to realize that I can LOVE others fully without letting them have unlimited access to me. Self-trust is something that was foreign to me until recently, I had no idea that there were humans out there that actually trusted themselves/God/The Universe, whatever you believe in, fully. Until I read this book for the first time, I did not know humans were allowed to do any of these things, I was so caged. I believe that self-trust is the core of creating an island. When you know what feels right, in your soul, and what feels wrong, you know who to let the draw bridge down for. Lately, I’ve been in such a transition in my life that I have set so many good and healthy boundaries with my family and friends but I still find myself doing things or saying things that I knew were not true to me, things that I knew I didn’t want to do but I do it to make the other person feel validated. I often feel CRAZY for feeling this way and have to sit back and think “does anyone else feel guilted (unintentionally) into doing or saying things”. I find my inner monologue still saying “well I should” or I will say to my husband “well we should”…when I know and or we know it is not something we want to do. I feel like I have to have a good “excuse” to get out of plans when really all I want to say is “I love you and I wish I had the energy but my bucket is not full so I need to refill and then I can make space for you”. Trying to start a new career, while trying to start a family, while trying to finally get a hold on my physical health has made me TIRED and I don’t have the space and energy that I once did and it’s slowly taking me time to learn that it is okay, to need time to recover and just be still. In the last two years I have learned that I am in fact an introverted extrovert, like I love people so much but I need breaks in my socializing doses, and THAT IS OKAY. 

The biggest blood bath I thought I was walking into is leaving my job teaching when I had to leave. I told my students families that I was leaving 3 days before parent teacher conferences, so I knew that me walking into conferences to explain why I was leaving 24 times was going to be an absolute blood bath, but it was the right thing to do. I had to leave when I left, I believe that God was testing me. He wanted me to prove to myself how much bravery I actually have. Leaving at the end of a school year would have been hard, but leaving 4 months into the school year seemed impossible but I trusting my knowing so deeply that it was not even a choice for me, I knew what needed to be done. 

In reading this week, I did a lot of thinking on whether or not I would be someone walking along side Dr. King, and the most honest answer I can come up with is, I don’t know. I would like to think I would be someone who is walking with him but then I look and question how much I am doing right now. When I think about the racism, sexism, economic structure, and standards that have plagued our education system, my blood physically boils. There is nothing I am more passionate about than EQUAL education for every single child but then I look at how much I am doing right now, and I am not doing nearly enough. I believe that our education needs broken and needs rebuilt, I believe it is far past the point of a “fix”, we need a rebuild. I wish I knew how to get more involved in advocating for a change but I don’t. I plan to research more, stand up a little bit more, and in the wise words of Dr. King himself, I would hope to cause just a bit more tension. Being a white female that taught in an inner city charter school, a middle class/mixed demographic school, and an upper class/primarily white school I am here to tell you that our education system is so far from equal it makes my heart hurt. I hope to one day do the work that will allow my children to see this in their lifetime. 

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